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TGNders #10 - Clothes, Coke and Crack

It's night time, and the yellowness of the streetlights make Telford look like a giant flobble of lemon jelly. Or perhaps cheese. No, not cheese. If it was cheese, it'd have to have holes everywhere, and Telford is a terribly unholy place. We see Koff Drop and Cube Kid walking towards the pub. 

Koff Drop: "Did you know that Hiroshi Yamauchi's only sustenance is to drink the blood from blonde virgin girls at midnight on the full moon of Friday the 13th?"

Cube Kid: "Yes, I know. But is that a justified enough reason for Nintendo being as shunned by the masses as it is?"

Koff Drop: "I wasn't being serious, batty boy."

Cube Kid: "I know, but what is seriousness anyway? Is it deeply embedded in us all, only surfacing when we want to impress our peers? Or is it a physical state, dictated by the need... "

Koff Drop: "Hush. Don't worry about all the anti-Nintendo stuff, I'll stop it as soon as all the fanboys disappear."

Cube Kid: "Oh, okay. When do you reckon they'll all disappear, then?" 

Koff Drop: (winks) "Never."

Cube Kid looks befuddled as Koff Drop walks into the pub. The door closes behind Cube Kid as he remains outside for a couple of seconds, forehead scrunched, deep in thought and staring into space. 

Cube Kid: "Koff, what do you mean by that? Why must you leave me dumbfounded? "

He stumbles into the pub, which is busy. We see Tim and Corinthians talking. Well, Tim talking and Corinthians occasionally coming up from her alcohol for air. Tim is looking down at the table, while Corinthians has her hands outstretched on the table in front of her, firmly gripping her back-up JD and Coke. 

Corinthians: "You should try it."

Tim: "I don't know... I..." 

Corinthians: "It feels really nice as it travels down your throat and as it reaches your stomach, you shudder with pleasure. The thickness of it leaves you wanting more and you can taste it in your mouth for ages afterwards. It's creamy beyond belief, and soooooooo satisfying." 

Tim: "I don't know... is it worth it?" 

Corinthians: "Yeah... it's definitely worth it. Men love to see you swallow it." 

Tim: "That's the thing, you see... only women do it..." 

Corinthians: "I know loads of blokes who do it too. Okay, most of them are gay, but so what? Have you seen Will & Grace?  Being homosexual is the new black! Or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Gay guys obviously have more taste than straight guys. Or even Sex in the City. There are loads of gays on that! I don't think there was one bloke in the Big Brother house this year who hadn't had a bit of man-throb!"

Tim: "What about that Stuart bloke? He was straight. He got some off that ugly bird..." 

Corinthians: "Yeah, but he went to boarding school; and are you really sure that ugly bird whose name nobody can remember was really an ugly bird and not a bloke?"

Tim: "Good point. W... wouldn't it be easier if I just tried something else?"

Corinthians: "Tim, are you going to have a Baileys or not? I've wasted enough valuable drinking time as it is."

Tim: Aaa, go on then." 

Corinthians gets up and goes to the bar. For some reason, as she gets up everything speeds up, but as she leans her elbows on the bar, the camera slows down as it focuses on her ample bottom, then speeds up again as we go past it. Panning around the pub, we see Alastor sitting in the kiddy corner scrunching up his empty coca-cola can looking a little disgruntled. We then see Lizzy Pop and Nint Yspong talking. 

Nint Yspong: "I'm nowhere near to finishing my beer, So why don't you sit down and let me whisper in your ear?" 

Lizzy Pop: "You're drunk." 

Nint Yspong: "No, I'm not. I'm merely tipsy, Like Tinky Winky, Pooh, Fah Laa Laa and Dipsy." 

Lizzy Pop: "As a skunk." 

Nint Yspong: "You, young maiden just made a rhyme. I, however, once did them all the time." 

Lizzy Pop: "And you wonder why you're always drinking alone." 

Nint Yspong:  "Do you reckon I should stop the rhyming, then? Is it putting people off? Do you reckon I should leave it?" 

Lizzy Pop: "Well, you should still rhyme, but not all the time. It gets tiring." 

Nint Yspong: "Aye, that it does, that it does... I'm so lonely. So desperately, desperately lonely." 

Lizzy Pop pats Nint on the shoulder as she takes his glass from off the table. She walks back behind the bar. Slow motion: She swings her head from side to side, her hair flowing beautifully, like some kind of shampoo advert, possibly Head and Shoulders - (or the non-brand equivelant, depending on the quality of her scalp at the time of said hair flailing) or perhaps even the finest softcore porn film (you know, just before she gets them out and sits on the bloke's face). All the men in the pub watch in awe, but quickly look away before Lizzy Pop realises. She then puts the glasses into what she thinks is the washing up machine. She quickly realises the pub doesn't have one and just puts the glasses on the floor. Corinthians is still at the bar. 

Corinthians: "One Baileys and another four JD and Cokes please, Liz." 

Lizzy Pop: "Just for you?" 

Corinthians: "No, the Baileys is for Tim."

Lizzy Pop: "I didn't know Tim was a Baileys man." 

Corinthians: "He wasn't. I persuaded him to try a glass." 

Lizzy Pop:(Putting the drinks on the bar) "Here you go." 

Corinthians: "Oh, Liz, have you got any of that Rohypnol?" 

Lizzy Pop: "Yeah, the brewery just delivered a new barrel, do you want some?" 

Corinthians: "Please."

Lizzy Pop goes to get some. Corinthians looks back at Tim, who is still sitting at the table and looking at it. Corinthians licks her lips, very slowly. Sensual! 

The camera pans to Theory Of Games and Ren Of Heavens, who are standing next to the juke box, flicking through the selections. 

Theory Of Games: "I don't know what to put on. I like everything here. Sod it, I'll just put an old favourite on."

Theory Of Games inputs a twenty seven number code he obviously pulled from his memory. The opening chords to Tonight Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins play. The people in the pub groan in unison, look up at the jukebox, tut in unison, then carry on with whatever it is they were doing. 

The camera then pans to a table with Rhinox, Fighter Of Foo and Simon PowerStation all talking in a heated debate. 

Fighter Of Foo: "My Mates and I only works in some cases."

Rhinox: "All I'm know I right and when I right I con't wrong." 

Simon PowerStation: "You got any paracetamol, Foo?" 

Fighter Of Foo: "Nah, I used it up the last time someone debated Rhinox's grammar." 

Rhinox: "Poeple always knocking grammer of my." 

Simon PowerStation: "Actually, its 'grammar'." 

Fighter Of Foo: "Actually, it's 'it's'."

Simon PowerStation: "What?"

Fighter Of Foo: "It's 'it's'." 

Simon PowerStation: "AAARGH!!" 

Simon starts to bang his head on the table.

Meanwhile, the final chords of Tonight Tonight are playing out. Theory Of Games, who is sitting next to the jukebox with Ren Of Heavens, reaches over to the jukebox, taps in a code quickly. Tonight Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins starts to play again to another chorus of groans. 

Dr. Drake Ramoray enters with his usual flair (not Rick). He stops just inside the doorway, puts his hands on his hips rubs his crotch a little then lifts up his chin, looks around the room, spots Koff Drop at the bar and walks towards him. He takes off his coat, revealing a white T-Shirt with 'I *heart* Johnny' on it. 

Dr Drake Ramoray: "Have you seen my phD anywhere, Koff?" 

Koff Drop: "What phD?"

Dr Drake Ramorary: "My phD in calling you a bald git."

Koff Drop: "Good one, old pal. What's your tipple?" 

Dr Drake Ramoray: "Just a Carling for me, Koff, old buddy!" 

Corinthians is back at the table with Tim. Tim has the glass of Baileys in front of him on the table. He is staring at it. 

Corinthians: "It won't drink itself, Tim. Come on, drink it. You won't regret it in the morning... well... I know I won't. "

Tim: "What?" 

Corinthians: "Nothing. Just drink up, come on." 

As Tim lifts up the glass, Felt Monkey walks past the table and spots Tim with the Baileys in hand. 

Felt Monkey: "Oh, is that Baileys, Tim? I didn't know you were gay. In fact, you can't be - I'm the only gay in this local vicinity." 

Tim:  "See, Corinthians. It's gay, and I'm not gay! Here Felt Monkey, you have it."

Felt Monkey: "Ta very much." 

As Felt Monkey takes the glass from Tim, Corinthians spits out her drink on the floor. She then has a coughing fit, and nearly feints, before realising all is not quite lost, at which point she starts licking the dirty carpet under her feet. Tim gets up. 

Tim: "I'm going home, Corinthians. I'll see you soon." 

Corinthians: (through coughing and licking) "Tim! Wait! Tim!" (she continues to lick) 

Corinthians gets up and follows Tim out the door. Felt Monkey joins Theory Of Games, Ren Of Heavens, dr48 and Zander Version One at the table near the jukebox. He then proceeds to down the Baileys in one. 

Theory Of Games: "Jesus Christ, Felt Monkey. You swallowed that quickly!"

Felt Monkey: "Well, I get a lot of practice. I am the only gay in the village after all." 

dr48 looks intrigued.

Ren Of Heavens: "Well, I'm horr...ey *ahem*...bored. I'm going home." 

dr48: "Whilst we are all departing, I have some stuff to do back home, Zander - you're not coming back for a while are you?"

Theory Of Games: "You sure you don't want one more?" 

dr48: "Nah, I'm fine. I've got several women waiting for me having slipped out of their clothes on my bed at home and only so much evening left." 

Ren Of Heavens walks off.

Zander Version One: "Do I know any of them?" 

dr48: "I doubt it. No one seems to know anyone who lives outside Telford. Have you ever been outside Telford?"

Zander Version One: "Outside Telford? Well, only when there's a funeral or a wedding. And those weddings always seem to end up with someone barging in during the 'if there is anyone who has any reason why these two people should not be married, then speak out now or forever hold their peace ' bit. It's boring."

Ren Of Heavens: "Yeah, and they normally always just copy that scene from The Graduate. Or The Simpsons. Or Wayne's World 2. Or Family Guy. Or..." 

dr48: See ya, err hadn't you already left Ren?"

Ren Of Heavens: "Errm, nooo - I mean ye...eees."

Ren Looks down

Ren Of Heavens: "Ah yeah, I left - but I forgot my coat so I came back".

Ren Of Heavens nonchalantly puts his coat on and walks out the door still looking weird. dr48 also leaves.

Felt Monkey: "Oooh, that Baileys didn't go down too well. Made me feel all queasy. I'd best get home before I soil myself. It'd ruin these hot pants, and these are my favourite pair, got to allow a good thirty minutes to wiggle out of them. See you tomorrow." 

Theory Of Games: "Yeah, see you tomorrow mate." 

Zander Version One:  "See ya, Felt."

Felt Monkey:  "Bye bye fellas."

Felt Monkey minces out the door, pants squeaking. Koff Drop, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Koffdrop's Muse are all at a table together.

Dr Drake Ramorary: "So, anyway, I called Koff Drop a stupid baldy git, and then he said, erm... something intellectual and everyone believed it! No one guessed that we were best buddies."

Koff Drop: "Yes, I laugh at it even now. It was hilarious. The looks on those peoples faces were priceless. I had trouble trying to stop myself laughing even then."

Koffdrop's Muse: "So these people never knew you were putting it all on?"

Dr Drake Ramorary:  "Not one. They all fell for it. Hook, line and, indeed, sinker."

Outside now, and we see Corinthians heading back towards the pub. She looks down an alleyway and sees someone lying on the floor. She walks up to whoever it is and taps them on the lower of the back with her foot. There's a squeak of PVC. She leans down and rolls Felt Monkey over.

Corinthians: (whispering) "Felt! Felt! Wake up."

Corinthians thinks about something for a second...

Corinthians: (still whispering) "The Rohypnol! No wonder. Felt! Felt! Wake up. It's Corinthians, wake up!"

Corinthians pauses. She eyes up Felt Monkey's PVC shorts.

Corinthians: "Oh well. When in Rome."

Fade to black

After the credits, the screen fades back in for a Hollyoaks-style cheesy end bit.  We zoom up on Felt Monkey's face, illuminuted by the crack of light starting to come through the window.  His eyes are closed, and he is clearly asleep. 

Felt Monkey: (talking in his sleep)  "Oh Tony, you tiger.  You're grrrrrrrreat!" 

He wakes up.  His eyes take in his surroundings.  He is in a hotel room.  He reaches down under the covers, and pulls out a ball-in-the-mouth-style bondage mask.  He looks around again and sees a donkey wander out of the bathroom. 

Donkey:  "Hee-Haw!" 

This noise causes a shape to stir in the bed next to Felt Monkey.  The Inspiration pops his head up. He's wearing a bishop's mitre.  They look at each other, both clearly shocked. 

Both:  "Oh my God!" 

CHEESY GUITAR TWANG.

Written by FighterOfFoo
Edited by dr48 & Corinthians9:25