The theme tune finishes, and the screen fades to black. Suddenly everything is light and we are in The Mary Rose (the roadies just found the light switch).

dr48: “Ooh ‘err missus, how about that for a cliff hanger?”

Rhin Ox: “Me tell about it”

dr48: “I know!”

Rhin Ox: “No peas, tell me about it – shit in the toilet, on the tap. It disgusting. had to get exactly £30 of equipment.”

dr48: “Oh right, well we can’t waste anymore airtime on a lame opening – you’ll have to wait for the omnibus mate – Sunday at 1pm”.

A goat wanders by. Corinthians is sitting at the end of the bar surrounded by empties, but looking worryingly sober. Lizzy Pop is talking to herself whilst scribbling down on a piece of paper.

Lizzy Pop: “Milky way, batteries, sweet corn, air-freshener, Spinach and honey. Don’t need juice or tuna”

Fighter O’ Foo: “Sounds tasty, what you cooking?”

Lizzy Pop: “Shuddup, I don’t have the time for this – what with Big Boss not around anymore.”

Foo turns away from Lizzy, his eyes magnetically drawn by the skin-tight PVC suit Felt Monkey is wearing as he collapses in a heap in the corner. Android 18a walks up to the bar.

Android 18a: “Need a hand with anything love?”

Lizzy Pop: “Could do with some things from the Hour Store, couldn’t grab these for me could you?”

Android 18a: “Sure thing, pass that list this way” She reaches over the bar for the piece of paper “I’ll pick the stuff up for you in the morning when they’re open again.”

Lizzy Pop: “Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.”

Android 18a frowns and reads the list.

Android 18a: “Eew, spinach! I could understand the batteries now that Big Boss has left you, after all you are only woman, but do you really need that many now you’re shagging Pop Eye?”

The Inspiration wanders up to bar and with a quick hand gesture signal he’d like his usual. Suddenly the microphones are flooded by a moaning, snoring sound from the corner as we realise Felt Monkey is asleep – and apparently dreaming vividly.

Felt Monkey: “I’m gonna humps yer”

Before anymore mental scarring can occur, the door to the pub opens and in walks a respectable gent with the letters ‘M.P.H.’ monogrammed in gold onto the peak of his tweed deerstalker. He’s smoking a pipe. Android 18a watches as he walks in, looking intrigued.

Android 18a: “D'you think he smokes the pipe during sex?”

The Inspiration (Still looking at Felt Monkey): “It’s just that one last vertebra that is stopping him...”

We fade down as Ren Of Heavens (complete with yellow polka dot bandana and bikini set) stands up for a drunken rendition of a Keane number.

When we fade up again it’s morning and an overweight man wearing a stretched T-shirt with the word “repo” printed on it is walking out of a house with a large television. He places it inside a van with “milfhunter.com” on the side, before reaching in his pocket for a hanky with “Funk” embossed on it to wipe off some sticky fluid from his hand.

It’s quite clearly Dr. Drake Ramoray’s house. He’s sitting outside on a battered suitcase with his right wrist in a support bandage looking glum. The same Brewery fat-cat we saw last episode is now laughing heartily whilst locking up the door to the house, and putting up a “For Rent” sign in the window.

As the repo van pulls out, a large removals lorry steams past, an irritating novelty horns hooting loudly. We pan back to where the removals lorry came from. There’ s a group of people standing on the street corner outside The Mary Rose.

Voodoo Chile: “Who’s that moving out then?”

Retroid: (sobbing) “Retro Bob, I can’t believe he’s gone.”

Kid A: “We’re better off without him. He’s buggered off to some little Victorian house on the outskirts where things are a lot quieter. He thinks he’s so much better than us.”

Voodoo Chile: “But I thought he was a poor old man, how could he afford something like that?”

dr48: “He made some money in his theatrical production, ‘The Angina Monologues’”.

Kid A wanders off with dr48, Kid A going into The Baker’s for a nice hot cup of bread roll (we did warn you last episode) and dr48 crossing over to speak to a disgruntled Theory Of Games.

Theory Of Games: “Alright dr48, do you know where Foo is? The streets are frightfully dirty. Nobody will come near my stall.”

dr48: “Heh, yeah about that – you don’t think ‘The Purple Clovers’ or ‘Beige Beige Dust” are a little bit too obscure or bland?”

Theory Of Games: “I’m not here to be made a mockery of, I bid you good day sir!”

Theory Of Games turns around and goose-steps off, leaving a confused dr48 with nothing to do but play with his underwear.

Inside The Baker’s…

The Baker: “Have you seen how much rubbish is lying about outside my premises?”

Kid A: “That’s not a nice way to speak of your own baked products”

The Baker: “Shut up, or I’ll Open this Sauce on you.”

Kid A retreats from an angry The Baker, who’s brandishing a jar of open sauce.

Back outside The Baker’s…

Kid A: “That madman’s got a point”

dr48: (mysteriously understanding everything Kid A is saying – despite not being present in the previous scene) “Yeah, but Foo had to go with his Dad this morning – so not his fault”

Kid A: “Eh? Had to go where?”

dr48: “His mum was knocked over by a run away greengrocer’s delivery van”

Kid A: “I didn’t know – is she okay?”

dr48: “No, not at all – she’s nothing but a vegetable”

Kid A: “So what was he and his Dad doing at the hospital?”

dr48: “It’s very sad, but Kylix is in a terrible state and hasn’t got any better or responded to any treatment – Zilon has got to decide whether to switch off the life support machine or not.

Time has passed in the manner that it does so often when you have lazy script writers – where it makes no sense whatsoever, yet it’s 4 pm anyway. In The Mary Rose, Switch, who it turns out was actually Fighter O’ Foo’s identical twin brother, so identical they even share a personality – had just been away on holiday (and thus has no idea of anything that had happened to his mother – as where he was phones haven’t been invented) and rather than packing in his road sweeping job had got his brother to pretend to be him, joins dr48 and Theory Of Games. They are doing quotes and impressions, in the background Corinthians isn’t drinking. Oh whoops – my mistake. She’s passed out. Alastor is also visible drinking Coca-Cola out of a can.

Theory Of Games: “Donkey”

Switch: “That’s easy – it’s obviously Shrek”

Theory Of Games: “Idiot – it’s the Bollywood version of ‘A Night’s Tale’.”

dr48: “Don’t you mean ‘A Knight’s Tale’?”

Theory Of Games: “No, I meant what I said – they set it all at night for dramatic effect, and so as to break the trend of films being shot in daylight when you can see what’s going on – honestly, does nobody appreciate innovation?”

Koff Drop coughs in the background.

Voodoo Chile: “Ha! What about that for a taste of your own medicine?”

Koff Drop: “Be quiet fool, can’t you see I am tasting my own medicine?”

Koff Drop quickly reaches into his pocket for one of his own brand cough sweets, ‘Koff’s Drops’.

The camera hangs on the scene with nothing much happening, then it hangs some more, and a little more still.  Finally, with enough footage to fill the half hour, the scene flicks back to the half-drunk fools laughing amongst themselves.

dr48: “I good you bid-evening”

An enraged Rhin Ox throws his drink to the ground and storms out.

Rhin Ox: “Cheers for the p'ss take. - But hey it just friction”

He storms out of the pub, where inside a once more confused dr48 is left to re-adjust himself in a manner suggesting he’s wearing either a thong or a g-string.Or both.

dr48: “What was that all about?”

Switch: “That was a bit out of order wasn’t it?”
dr48: (on the verge of shouting) “It’s a fucking line from Vanilla Sky!”

Outside we see Zilon and Fighter O’ Foo walking down the main market street in a surprisingly jubilant and chirpy mood (Yes, two adjectives. We just mugged an immigrant who’s studying English for his pocket thesaurus).

Fighter O’ Foo: “Wow – that was such a huge decision Dad, how did you cope? All the doctors said it was either life of death, and that you had to decide whether to turn off the life support of leave her in a vegetative state.”

Zilon: “Well, I guess I had a moment of inspiration”

Fighter O’ Foo: “But it was brilliant, I mean – the third option, neither non-life nor death, it was genius!”

Zilon: “Aww, you’re so kind”

Fighter O’ Foo: “How did you think of something like that?

Zilon: “I don’t know really, but once I did Maplin had all I needed, well everything except the clogs”

Fighter O’ Foo: “Run me through how you made it work again.”

Zilon: “Sorry son, I don’t think I’ll ever mention anything about it again.”

In the café we see Ren Of Heavens sitting talking to Third Eye. Ren Of Heavens is wearing a pink and yellow polka-dot banana on his head.

Ren Of Heavens: “You had his every move worked out didn’t you!”
Third Eye: “Sure did, and Phillip just helped push him over the edge”

Ren Of Heavens: “Well thanks mate, I think I might be able to persuade Theory into renaming the band Ren and the Bandana’s”

Third Eye looks up at Ren’s head.

Third Eye: “Err, Ren”

Ren Of Heavens: “What?”

A thoroughly peeved Dr Kong storms out of the café, before returning to quietly shut the door in the background.

Third Eye: “You’ve got something on your head mate”

Ren Of Heavens: (Feeling his forehead) “Oh shit, have I done it again? It’s not my fault I’m dyslexic – I was confused by the signs in the shop”

Ren Of Heavens removes his fruitful headwear and they carry on talking.

Ren Of Heavens: “So how did you know that’s what he would do?”

Third Eye: “I know all. For instance there's a Slade b-side that's actually a 76 minute ambient electronic wigout which sees Noddy scat singing through a bucket in the 23rd bridge, but they don't want you to know that.”

The picture fades out to black, and then fades back in to slightly lighter than black, indicating either a quick passing of time – or that they’ve forgotten to remove the lens cap again.

It’s just coming up to midnight (they’ve got one of those special late licenses see, either that or they’re having a lock-in – chose whichever is less believable) down at The Mary Rose, The camera would be panning down into the pub but the cameraman is complaining about not being paid for working unsociable hours when he’s got little dwarf children to pay for and watch not grow so you’ll just have to imagine it. Imagining? Good. The usual late-nighters are down there, including Theory Of Games, Hax, Raine, Mr Party Hat and dr48.

Theory of Games: “So the reason I’m still here is because I’ve just finished work and they’re isn’t anything on TV and I’ve got nothing to do.”

Mr Party Hat: “I came down ‘cos I heard they’d be a fight. Apparently one guy was going to jump on the other and….”

dr48: “I’m just really hardcore so I stay down here all night!”

Raine: “I just popped in before bed, infact I’m in my bed now.”

The Camera, still lying on the floor, is slowly dragged back by a piece of string tied to the directors foot, who himself is nodding off, to reveal Raine all set for sleeping in the pub in his bed.

Hax: “How’d you get that through the door?”

Raine quickly realises he has no answer so changes the subject quickly.

Raine: “So why are you still up Hax?”

Hax: “Well I was working with my friend on my science project and popped in on the way home.”

Theory of Games: “Speaking of wor… “

The Clock strikes midnight and dr48 quickly intervenes

dr48: “Working your close friend?”

Hax: “What? I should really go to bed, but I’m just not in the mood… I know I’ll never get up after I’ve gone to sleep.”

dr48: “You can’t get it up ‘cos you’re not in the mood?”

Hax: “What’s with the comments dr48?”

Raine: “It’s just after 12; he’ll be like this all night.”

They carry on talking but by now the director is asleep (we can tell because he’s one of those fat feckers that when he snores wakes up the whole street, and if we were to carry you’d have to strain to hear what the characters were saying) – oh, and the camera is out of battery. So we’ll roll credits…

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!

Written by dr48 with a scene from Ice 9
Edited by dr48 and Corinthians9:25