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Episode #3 - Drumming And Plumbing

As the river fades away the front of the book makers fills our screens, and then Retroid hobbles into view, off to put a little flutter on using his pension. Sighing, Retroid moans about how he needs an old man (possibly with a bad Jamaican accent) whom he can attempt to get up to mischief with, as he tries to cheat some money out of the bookies, but would fail every time, despite spending days on the plans at a time.

We follow Retroid into the House Of Gambling, but carry on through to the back, where we see Super Al sitting in his chair - smoking a big cigar and contemplating his next move so as to cause the general public to detest him further.

Super Al: "How are things going at the factory?"

Raine: "Production of underwear is at an all time high, the Collingwood estate has never been so productive for us."

Super Al: "Can anything go wrong? We need to make sure that it stays above board just in case, or at least have the books looking good."

Raine: "Well, you know about the whole Inland Revenue thing, but that's up to you - can you afford the extra thousands in back payments?"

Super Al: "It's not as if anyone is going to be telling them, is it?"

Raine: "Nobody know but me and you, you kept the books away from Corinthians didn't you?"

Super Al: "What do you mean by that?"

Raine: "I mean does she see any of accounts for the caf'?

Super Al: "Of course not - do you take me for a mug?"

The shot changes from Super Al plotting about his next evil move onto the market, where we see Switch and Theory Of Games talking.

Theory Of Games: "You reckon you could give me a hand this afternoon?"

Switch: "What with?"

Theory Of Games: "Well, you know that we are still looking for a drummer for the band, and Kidderz, Zander and dr48 are all too busy taking the piss to help out."

Switch: "Not those tired 'we can lend you a couple of dustbins to make you drumming sound better' jokes?"

Theory Of Games: "None other."

Switch: "Well I suppose I could, as long as I don't have to be seen near Ren's polka dot bandana."

Theory Of Games: "It's a deal - but I can't guarantee it in future."

Koffdrop's Muse, coming back from the doctors walk into the chemist - Koff's Drops, adjusting the cat allergies pills in the window before heading to the back.

Koff: "How do you feel darling?"

'Muse: "Like the Hogwart's Express has derailed in my head and killed Potter."

Koff: "Good then?"

'Muse: "Do I look like I feel well?"

Koff: "No need to bite my head of, I was just being nice - I bought you these earlier."

Koff Drop hands over the flowers as a customer walks in through the door, and starts examining the different plastic combs from the 1970's on the display.

'Muse: "You shouldn't have."

Koff: "Anything for you."

'Muse: "No really - you shouldn't have."

Awkward silence.

'Muse: "Dr. Ramoray gave me this prescription earlier, he says I have an infection of some kind, which is why I have been vomiting. You'll find the penicillin on the third drawer down - I think you need to order some more."

Koff: "Errm, yeah - I'll leave it a bit for now though, need to make some other payments."

'Muse: "Not short on money are we?"

Once more a little shifty at the enquiries into the state of his finances Koff Drop answers quietly - avoiding eye contact with his 'Muse.

Koff: "Of course not, err, I'm just a bit busy at the moment."

'Muse: "Whatever, I feel like you look - just let me have the penicillin so I can get back to bed."

Koff: "See you later dear."

'Muse: "Bye."

Koff Drop lets out a sigh of relief as 'Muse leaves through the door.

Koff: "Can you hurry up, I've got to get somewhere now - we're closing."

Disgruntled the customer leaves, and we see Koff Drop leave the shop, and lock up.

Back in The Mary Rose, things are quieter now after the lunch time rush.

Tim: "Is it alright if I go for a late lunch now?"

Lizzy: "What time is it?"

Tim looks at his watch, and then replies "Getting on for three".

Lizzy: "Go for it - we have had the rush now, if I need any help I'll just get Big to come down."

Tim: "Cheers."

Tim walks around the bar and past RetroBob, still drinking the same pint he ordered two hours earlier. Tim cuts through the market and over to the café.

Corinthians: "Ooh right darling, what can I do you for?"

Tim: "Just an egg and chips please."

Corinthians: "Be about 10 minutes love, why don't you take a seat."

Tim: "Oh okay - thanks."

Corinthians disappears through a door, and into the kitchen at the back where we hear something hit the floor followed by some cursing.

Third Eye walks past the window, and then we see him go into The Baker's.

The Baker:  "Good day Mr Eye, what can I do for you today?"

Third Eye: "Just a pasty and a couple of cookies please."

Third Eye pays for the food, and walks out of The Baker's having been wished a good day, he stops and takes a look at some of the CD's on the Theory Of Games stall.

Theory Of Games: "Anything in particular you after?"

Third Eye: "Just looking thanks, wouldn't mind a bit of Bowie if you have any though."

Third Eye takes a bite of his pasty, and starts a coughing fit, choking on his recently purchased baked goods, he drop one of his cookies.

Third Eye: "Shit, not again."

Theory Of Games: "Bad day?"

Third Eye: "One way of putting it."

Theory Of Games: "That pasty looks good though, what you having?"

Third Eye: "Cold turkey... imitation. "

Back in the café Corinthians walks out with a plate of egg and chips.

Corinthians: "There you go gorgeous."

Walking back to the counter, Corinthians lets go of a fork - as it hits the floor she bends over to pick it up.

Corinthians: "Oops - how silly of me, I guess I'll have to bend over and pick that up."

Tim, being nice but dim, pays little attention to Corinthians shaking her arse about the café.

Back at The Mary Rose, an unexpected figure in a long white coat walks into the pub who Lizzy Pop has not seen for many years.

Lizzy Pop: "Muse, Muse The Fifth - is that you? What are you doing here?

Muse The Fifth: "Passing by, you light up my darkest skies, you'll take only seconds to draw me in, so be mine and your innocence I will consume."

Lizzy Pop: "So aren't you going to ask me what I'm doing working in a pub? I'm with Big Boss now, you remember him? What you think of us as a couple then?"

Muse The Fifth: "Don't confuse baby you're gonna lose, your own game, change me and replace the envying, to forget your love."

Lizzy Pop: "Yeah so things have been a little rough lately between us, every couple has problems -  I'm sure its nothing, what about with you?"

Muse The Fifth: "I've seen your loving, mine is gone, and I've been in trouble."

Lizzy Pop: "Who the hell are you to say stuff like that? You have only just got back - you don't know a damn thing about me and Big Boss."

Turning quickly to get away in disgust, the buckle on Muse The Fifth's coat swings up and hits him in the face, he carries on to the door where he turns around and says his final words philosophically to Lizzy Pop before leaving, whilst a trickle of blood flows from his forehead as a reminder of the battle he fought with the coat.

Muse The Fifth: "Space dementia in your eyes, peace will arise and tear us apart, and make us meaningless again."

We follow Muse The Fifth back outside into the market, where we see Theory Of Games packing up the last couple of things from his stall, Switch walks up as Theory Of Games locks up the final crate.

Theory Of Games: "Right Switch, coming to Collingwood to get the posters?"

Switch: "Yeah."

TOG and Switch get going, but after only a few steps they have to jump out the way of a young teenager on a bike. Having had this happen before with the same kid, they didn't want to let it go so they started chasing him.

Theory Of Games: "BMX Gamer, I know where you live!"

BMX Gamer: "NO YOU DON'T!"

The chase continues and BMX Gamer is clearly not going to get caught. Before long, they've made their way into Collingwood Business Park...

Switch: "Theory! We're... we're here!

Theory Of Games: "What? Oh... bugger..."

They stop and walk into the printer's, unhappy with the way things turned out. Theory goes to the desk to get his copies.

The woman at the counter hands over the copies to Theory, but he's not happy...

Theory Of Games: "Oralogy? What the hell? Miss, can I have my AW-DEE-OLL-OH-JEE posters please!"

"Sorry. Here you go."

Theory Of Games: "Bugger. I really f*cked it up. Damn, no time to fix it either..."

Switch and Theory share a laugh over the mistake before leaving the printer's shop. We then fade to four p.m. in the community centre.

Theory Of Games is sitting at a table, and there is a short line of people waiting to try out.

Theory Of Games: "Right... Felt Monkey... you're up."

Felt Monkey walks up onto the stage, looking as camp as ever in pink PVC hot pants and a net cotton top.

Theory Of Games: "So erm... where's your drum kit?"

Felt Monkey: "Drum kit? I don't have a drum kit. I just saw the name of the band: Au-DICK-ology, and I thought there might be some gays in this band. I would really like to meet another gay. Are there any here?"

Theory Of Games: "Actually that was a typo, I'm afraid there are no other gays here, not that I know of anyway."

Felt Monkey: "Oh. Well, there can't be any other gays here, because I am the only gay in the village. While I'm here, I should demonstrate my rhythm skills by dancing. Then maybe I could be your bummer--"

Theory Of Games: "Drummer."

Felt Monkey: "--drummer, maybe I could meet another gay through the band..."

Felt Monkey then proceeded to do one of the campest dances ever seen. The room could almost hear the dance music that was rushing through Felt's mind. He finished after around two minutes of dance, surprising no one as Felt Monkey is not in the best of shape.

Theory Of Games: "I'll call you."

Felt Monkey: "I'll wish for you to be a gay."

Theory Of Games: "Next."

Retro Bob and Retroid grumble up to the stage, looking as unhappy as ever.

Theory Of Games: "Drum kit?"

Retroid: "You think I'd haul my kit here! It's a Slingerland, from the thirties. It would cost thousands today, and be worth every penny!"

Retro Bob: "It's better than all that crap they make today!"

Theory Of Games: "So, do you want to be in the band or not?"

Retroid: "What type of music does this band play?"

Theory Of Games: "Pop."

Retro Bob: "Bop?"

Theory Of Games: "Pop. In fact, can you stay there one minute, 'cause I could murder some tea right now..."

Theory walks off to the nearest vending machine as Retro Bob and Retroid share a shocked look on their face.

Retroid: "He could murder some OAPs? Let's get out of here!"

Retro Bob and Retroid scarper out of the centre as TOG gets back into place, tea in hand.

Theory Of Games: "Emm... next."

The Sith Lord rushes towards TOG's table, with The Dark One behind him.

The Sith Lord: "I don't have drums but I do them in school and I don't have drumsticks but I have these chopsticks let me play them on the desk!"

Sith Lord got in only a couple of bars before reluctantly shuffling off thanks to Theory Of Games. As the two tykes made their way out the door, Ren Of Heavens came through it, complete with bandana. Ren Of Heavens runs to the table, and quickly takes his seat.

Ren Of Heavens: "NEXT!"

Theory Of Games: "Hi polka dot."

Ren Of Heavens: "Hey Theorog."

While Ren and Theory were talking, the final auditioner, Third Eye, made his way onto the stage.

Theory Of Games: "Drum kit?"

Third Eye: "At home. I can play well, better than any of the other auditions anyway..."

Ren Of Heavens: "We're desperate. You're in."

Third Eye: "When's your next gig?"

Theory Of Games: "Ten past never.."

The three discuss the band as the camera fades into the front of The Mary Rose, where we see Whin Ox walk in through the bar. Whin Ox enters, and crosses the floor to the bar, and we see a new person walk up to the bar, he's in his mid forties - and is wearing a rather disgusted look on his face, we hear a snippet of the conversation as Whin Ox gets closer.

Lizzy Pop: "Oh God, are you sure?"

Mr Party Hat: "Yeah, it stinks in there - but you have to sort it now, or else it's gonna flow everywhere."

Lizzy Pop: "Oh God - Big Boss isn't here, err what should I do?"

Mr Party Hat: "Sorry, I have got a gathering of acquaintances to get to, where there will be alcohol and music - and I need to supply the headwear."

Lizzy Pop: "Well thanks for letting me know."

Whin Ox walks up to the bar.

Whin Ox: "Something wrong?"

Lizzy Pop: "Yeah, definitely - and Big Boss isn't here to sort it. Hey, you couldn't do me a favour could you?"

We see Whin Ox disappear into the toilets to investigate the problem, and then walks out again to tell Lizzy Pop a little about it.

Whin Ox "I jus gone and had a look and to my horror the blackage just move. and when ever someone flush any of the toilets or run a sink, shite start over flowing onto the floor. So I bought £30 worth of plumbing equipment, but I got to go get it."

We follow Whin Ox as he pops back to his house and then returns with exactly £30 worth of plumbing equipment. He disappears into the gents again, then returns to update Lizzy Pop a bit more.

Whin Ox: "I tried the two plungers on the sink but that didn't have any effect on the blockage. But I had a metal cord device which you place down the pipes and at the end it got a hook, and on the other end it a turner which turn the cord. I place it in the toilet but I was have trouble, so I actually had to put my hand in the toilet with bits of shite in the water and hand feed the toilet, the cord. I kept pushing it until I got the end, and nothing was happening, so I had to pull back the cord and that covered in shite. I went to find where is thue best access point to the main pipe and it appeared to be on the consertary."

Lizzy Pop: "Not really sure how much of this I want to hear - but go on."

Whin Ox resumes the prattling with Lizzy Pop concentrating as much as possible in an attempt to grasp the situation.

Whin Ox: "I got on to the consertary, undid the top pipe, and put the cord in and lower it down to the bottom and there was the blockage, about ten centimetres. And the pipe was verticle, but it had the gents at the top connected to it and the ladies at the bottom that connected to it. The gents pipe had a lump of shite on it and someone flush the toilet and that sprayed on me with the shite. I got to work, pulling bits and pieces of the blockage with the cord up on to the consertary. I pulled up shite, and the cord was covered in wet shite."

Lizzy Pop, now wearing a look of mixed confusion, disgust and horror - concentrating hard on what is being said, and trying not to laugh - Whin Ox continues.

Whin Ox: "But the gents pipe, which connect to the main pipe, I have to use the cord on it and on the bath room pipe had a shite on it which I said before. I had to look down to see what I'm doing, and my face was next to it and boy did it stink. No wonder the plumber charge a lot but I was getting use to being covered in shite and the smell. "

Lizzy Pop: "Thanks love, I would give you a kiss - but you know, all the shite and everything - you're a life saver."

Whin Ox: "No problem, don't want to have to do it again that, it should have been Rim's job though."

Lizzy Pop: "What do you mean?"

Whin Ox: "Well I heard the townie in there at lunch making some very strange noises, he started panting and then there was a lot of toilet paper being pulled off the roll, he came out looking out of breath and embarrassed."

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!