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Episode #4 - A Fridge Too Far

The titles end, and the badly drawn river fades out of view, the camera cuts to the outside - where we see we are in the square. Enter Ren of Heavens and Theory of Games. Ren?s red bandanna looks slightly grubby.

Theory of Games: "No way! You saw him dance yesterday! It was ? let?s just say I didn?t sleep well. "

Ren of Heavens: "No, it?ll be brilliant, man, innit. What Audiology needs is a gimmick ? something to make us stick out. Felt Monkey?s the perfect mascot. He can just do a mad-for-it dance at the front of the stage. Maybe we can get him some maracas or something. It?ll be really original. He?ll have to change his name to something cooler than Felt Monkey? Fez maybe."

Theory of Games: (sighing) "OK, OK, we?ll give him a go. Get him to come along to the rehearsal later."

Inside a pub we recognise as The Mary Rose, we see Super Al, Voodoo Doctor and Raine sit at a table. Super Al looks depressed.

Super Al: "It?s all very well running Telford with a grip of steel, but why can?t I find myself a nice girl? Answer me that, lads. "

The lads look embarrassed.

Raine: "You just have to wait for the right lady to come along, boss. No girl would turn you down. Miss Right might even be in here right now!"

Voodoo Doctor: "Yeah! There?s a right looker at the bar. Nice arse, anyway."

Cut to the bar, where Lizzy Pop is serving a shapely figure with long dark hair. Cut back to Super Al.

Super Al: "You?re right. She looks like a stunner. That?s what I need ? someone to sit with me on my lonely throne of power. (Shouting towards the bar) ?Ere, sweetheart, fancy joining us for a drink?"

The raven-haired beauty at the bar turns round. It?s Apocalypse Dude.

Super Al: "Stone me, Apocalypse Dude. I thought my luck was in there. Get your hair cut, man!"

Apocalypse Dude: "Sorry boss. But if you ever feel like some company, you know? I?m not frigid."


Back inside the community centre again Audiology are trying out a new number. Felt Monkey, wearing nothing but a pair of gold hot pants and flip-flops, is dancing at the front of the stage with some maracas, deaf to all around him. Theory of Games looks worried.

The scene changes to the greasy caf? where we see Corinthians is mopping the floor vigorously. Tim is nursing a cup of tea in the corner, looking uncomfortable. He?s wearing his one and only smart shirt.

The door opens, and Zebedee enters. He?s wearing a sharp suit and a sheepskin jacket. He has a nervous habit of stroking his thin moustache as he talks. He puts a large suitcase on a table and flips it open.

Zebedee: "It?s your lucky day, princess. I know a lady of taste when I see one, and I?ve got something that?ll be right up your street and at a knock down price. Top of the range hair colouring products, same as what you would buy in your top notch boutique up Oxford Street. Correct me if I?m wrong, but is it Ruby Power you use?"

Corinthians shoots a mortified look towards Tim and pats her hair.

Corinthians: "What you on about, you nonce? I don?t dye my hair."

Zebedee: "Well, it?s your loss, darling. Lady of your? um? years needs a bit of cosmetic help now and again, know what I mean?"

He nudges Tim and winks.

Corinthians: "I don?t need hair dye! This is completely natural. Natural Flame Red!"

Zebedee: "OK, OK, keep yer tits on darling. I?ll come back later."

Tim: "Umm ? I should go too. Time for work."

Corinthians: "Oh OK lover. Hair dye, eh? What a cheek."

We follow Zebedee and Tim out of the caf? and into the street, where they are overtaken by Kid A, who is wearing a flower in his hair and carrying a small fridge. He heads for the pub.

Back with the band again Theory of Games is doubled over his guitar in agony while Ren of Heavens and Third Eye try and see what?s wrong.

Third Eye: "His eye! What have you done to his eye?"

Felt Monkey: "What?s the problem? Is it because I?m gay?"

Theory of Games: "No! You?ve blinded me!"

Felt Monkey: "You need to give me more space for my pelvic thrusts. I can?t control them once I?ve started. You?re just oppressing me because I?m gay."

Ren of Heavens: "Hey, wait a minute lads! This is great. Theory of Games can wear an eye patch ? it can be our gimmick. It?ll be really original."

Third Eye: "Yeah!"

We return to the pub to see Apocalypse Dude has his hand on Super Al?s knee. Super Al looks uncomfortable yet fascinated.

Apocalypse Dude: "Can I call you Big Al, boss?"

Enter Penis Envy. He glances around the bar, sizing up a likely victim to wheedle a free drink from. He notices Tim behind the bar. Tim catches his eye and looks nervous.

Penis Envy: "I?ll have a pina colada."

Tim: "That?ll be four pounds please."

Penis Envy: "You mean it?s not on the house? Well, that?s a shame. Looks like I?ll have to go for something cheaper, like cider. And you know what happens when I drink cider. I just loose control of my mouth. And I?d hate to let it slip what I know about your? shall we say? other life."

Tim: "OK, OK ? you blood-sucking harpy! The drink?s on me. Just keep your mouth shut."

Penis Envy: "Oh I will. For now."

Tim: (under breath) "Ay yer ma."

Penis Envy: (looking round the room) "This pub is gay."

The camera moves through the pub, past Koff Drop and Koffdrop's Muse sitting at a table with Whin Ox?

Whin Ox: "? so, I place it in the toilet but I was have trouble, so I actually had to put my hand in the toilet with bits of shite in the toilet?"

Koff Drop: "Shall we go, dear?"

?and on past Lizzy Pop serving a new character at the bar?.

Lizzy Pop: "So, what?s your name then, love?"

G CUBE: Errrm?

G CUBE seems transfixed by the camera and mouths "Hello mum?

Lizzy Pop: "I said, what?s your name then, love?"

G CUBE: "I?m G, CUBE."

Lizzy Pop: "What an original name."

? the camera moves on? stopping on the door, which swings open to reveal Kid A, still carrying the small fridge.

Kid A: "Cooee, sweethearts."

Kidderz: "Hi, dad. Why are you carrying that around?"

Kid A: "Someone traded it in for a bunch of pink gladioli today. Nice swap, I thought."

Apocalypse Dude has sprung to his feet.

Apocalypse Dude: "Hey, nice fridge. Wanna show me what it can do?"

Kid A: "Sorry, sweetie?"

Apocalypse Dude: "Erm? I mean? fancy selling me that fridge? It?s just what I need to keep my Yakult in."

Kid A: "Sorry, munchkin, it?s not for sale... It?ll do just nicely for my late night Babychams."

Apocalypse Dude heads back to Super Al?s table, muttering darkly. They start to confer, shooting threatening looks in Kid A?s direction. It?s not the end of the matter?

Enter a new character, Lady Boy. He?s in his 70s, an old Jamaican with a pork pie hat.

Lady Boy: "Eeeeh, man. I?ll have a rum. Just a small one mind? that bookie fleeced me good this morning. So much for that tip? FourMThree in the fifth at Newmarket ? man! _xx

Tim: "One small rum comin? right up."

The door to the pub swings open once again and a look of horror crosses Super Al?s face. The pub goes silent. Switch misses the dartboard, Kidderz squeals as the dart swerves into his buttock. It?s Numpty, rival local business man, crime boss and sworn enemy. With him is his wife Ilweran, a startling sight with bleach blonde hair, huge peach earrings, orange lipstick and a leopard skin coat.

Kid A: "Blimey!"

Ilweran: (taking a drag on a B&H and in a deep gravely voice) "Well, it seems we?ve made a bit of an entrance, my darling."

Numpty: "I think you?re right, my petal. Well, you muppets, I?m back. Now oo the ?ell as been messing with my car lot??"

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!

Written by Corinthians9:25
Edited by dr48 and Zander Version One