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Episode #5 - A Secret Saga
As now the familiar title screen decides to leave the screen at last, we are back in The Mary Rose - where we see Numpty and Ilweran (complete with bleach blonde hair, huge peach earrings, orange lipstick and a leopard skin coat) standing just in from the doorway, and the pub in silence - the tension could literally be cut with a knife - and being a smart arse Koff Drop has to try...
Koff Drop: "Bloody tension, why won't you cut?"
Koffdrop's Muse looking rather embarrassed takes away the knife...
Koffdrop's Muse: "That's a plate dear, they're not meant to be cut."
Whin Ox mumbles to someone who we don't yet know but are sure will become more involved with the storyline as time goes on; "... must be the stress of being in so much debt - getting to his mind."
Suddenly the doors of the pub swing open, and in walks the same man from the café earlier - along with another suitcase and his sheep skin jacket. Suddenly all attention is on the man that dared disturb the awkward silence.
Zebedee: "Ooh right my darlings, you lot look like real bargain hunters - whatchoo after today? Try some of this love, sort out that coat in a second."
Ilweran, looking down her nose is obviously less than impressed.
Zebedee: "Not interested - never mind, got some lovely perfume for any of you lovely ladies, or some great aftershave bound to get you in there guys. Come on ladies, role up role up get some of this, Channel - unlike some of those more expensive companies - buy it today, and I'll give you two Ns for the price of one, that's right two Ns in your perfume. C'mon people - nothing but quality mychundise and for you my darling (looking at Lizzy Pop) cheap as chips."
The front of the café appears, with the neon sign flickering. Inside we see Corinthians putting on some more make up, using the partially reflective surface of the kettle as a mirror. In walks Lady Boy.
Lady Boy: "Eeeeh, woo-man. Make me two tea's would you. _xx"
Corinthians: "Sure thing handsome."
Lady Boy turns around to see Retroid sitting in the corner - not wearing his tweed cloak this time, but instead showing off his big round head with a few combed over wisps of grey hair.
Retroid: "Oh alright there Lady."
Lady Boy: "Yeah man, listen. I got another tip for this afternoon's race, we stand to win big time."
Retroid: "Oh yeah, and how do you know that this one is going to pay back? After the last one failed I couldn't go to bingo that evening."
Lady Boy: "Relax man, just check it yourself. Read through the paper yourself - do a bit of the leg work and see which horse has won it's past five races."
Retroid: "Well if you are sure."
We see Whin Ox standing outside his house, with exactly £30 of plumbing equipment in his arms - wiping exactly 207g of Ace Rimmer's shite (and trying to burn off a tampon - which takes a while as it is covered in wet shite) with exactly £2 worth of kitchen roll and household cleaning products bought from the 'Hour Mart'. Whilst prattling incomprehensible rambles Whin Ox lifts up his shite covered arm, using a hand covered in shite to show us on his watch that it is mid afternoon.
Theory Of Games' record stall. Theory is standing at the stall, staring into space while idly stroking a Smashing Pumpkins CD case. He has a faraway look in his eyes.
Theory Of Games: (singing to himself) "The world is a vampire..."
Suddenly Kidderz runs up to the stall, almost barging TOG into a pile of black T-shirts he keeps by the stall, for reasons unknown. Kidderz looks even more excited than Felt Monkey before he discovered that the film Free Willy was just a cruel hoax. He is holding a bag.
Kidderz: "Hey, man you've got to see what I've just bought - this is the greatest! Oh man oh man oh man!"
Theory Of Games: "Yeah, what is it? Are The Strokes involved in some way?"
Kidderz: "No."
Theory Of Games: "The Libertines? Billy Corgan?"
Kidderz: "No... Well maybe Billy Corgan. He's pretty old, isn't he?"
Theory Of Games: "Really? Lets have a butchers!"
Kidderz: "Hold your horses, this stuff isn't just to be grabbed at with grubby fingers. This is to be handled with care, and treasured forever."
Slowly and reverentially, Kidderz produces from his bag what seems to be a number of brochures and leaflets, and lays them out on the stall.
Kidderz: "They're genuine originals. I got them from Retro Bob."
Theory Of Games: "What are they? They seem to be holiday brochures..."
Kidderz: "Not just any holiday brochures... these are from Saga."
Theory Of Games: "Saga?"
Kidderz: "You know - they do holidays for old people. You have to be 60 or something to get on one. They're the best."
Theory Of Games: "Riiiiight..."
Kidderz: "I'm a huge fan."
Theory Of Games: (after a long pause) "Riiiiight..."
Kidderz: "But that's not even the best bit. Guess what else I've got in here."
Theory Of Games: "The mind boggles."
From the bag, Kidderz produces a large metal disk.
Kidderz: "It's a hubcap from one of their buses! A genuine Saga hub-cap!"
Theory can do nothing but stare.
Kidderz: "They say it's been to... Skegness."
Theory Of Games: "I worry about you, man."
At this point, Felt Monkey minces past in a tight pink top and sunglasses. We follow him into the pub. He waltzes through towards the bar, where Big Boss is serving. As he goes, he calls airily to the few other customers in the pub.
Felt Monkey: "Gay? Gay? Anyone gay here? No? Are you gay? Yes, you. No, it's just that I was hoping to meet another gay. Soooorry."
He reaches the bar and stops, grinning, before Big Boss. Big Boss' face is completely expressionless.
Felt Monkey: "Hello."
Big Boss: "What can I get you?"
Felt Monkey: "Strawberry Schnapps, please."
Felt Monkey hands over the money, and Big Boss plonks down a bottle of bright pink alchopop. Felt Monkey takes a swig, glancing around the room as he does. As he drinks, he sticks out his little finger.
Felt Monkey: "You know, you really should do more to bring gays to your pub. Attract the pink pound, you know! That way, maybe I could meet more gays like me. Of course, the only pink pounds round here come from me, ah-hahahahaha! I'm the only one in the village, you know."
Big Boss says nothing. In fact, his expression still doesn't change.
Felt Monkey: "Suit yourself."
He looks round the room again, pauses, then turns to look back at Big Boss. A smirk crosses his face.
Felt Monkey: "Say... Why do they call you big, Big Boss?"
There is a long silence.
Big Boss: "Come round here."
Big Boss beckons Felt Monkey round the side of the bar, so he can see behind it. The camera stays on Felt Monkeys face as, off-camera, we hear the sound of a zip unzipping, and a loud thud. Felt Monkeys eyes widen in terror. He turns and runs out of the pub.
DUM DUM DUM DUM~!
Written and Compiled by dr48
Major Contribution from feltmonkey
Edited by Zander