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Episode #6 - To Die By Your Side

Scene 1
Exterior: The Square

Numpty, Ilweran and Kid A are standing outside, looking at the flower shop.

Numpty: "So, right, I wanna knock this lot down, give it a bit of umph and then see how it falls on the old seven-nine, right?"

Kid A: "Errr... yeah. Okay. Do I get..."

Numpty sucks on his cigar and turns around, blowing thick grey smoke all over Kid A's face.

Numpty: "You'll get whateva 'happens, know what I mean? Don't you worry about it.  Don't worry - I'm not out to get ya."

Ilweran sighs and flutters her eyelids at Numpty. As she does so, she parts her legs slightly and leans forward. Her foul smelling breath fills the air as she looks up at Numpty.

Ilweran: "Cor, you're 'ot when you're in charge."

Numpty squeezes her left breast and looks down at her rotten legs.

Numpty: "Are your legs tired darlin'?"

Ilweran's face scrunches up in confusion, like a pig squeezing out dinner.

Ilweran: "No. Why?"

Numpty: "Cos you've been running through my head all night!"

Kid A faints. Numpty looks down at him in disgust, bends down and shuffles in his pockets for a moment. He stands up, triumphant holding Kid A's wallet.

Numpty: "Let's party!"

Scene 2
Interior: A Truck

Tim is driving, Zebedee is in the passenger seat.

Zebedee: "So what do you get if you cross a chicken and a road! No wait... that's... there's a barman, an Irishman and a horse in... uh, no, hang on..."

Tim: "Shuddup!"

Tim SLAPS Zebedee. As he does so, the car skids across the road, hits a cat and tips to the side, its entire cargo leaning over and then snapping lose, a hundred mini-fridges bounce down the road.

Tim looks on at the carnage, open-mouthed.

Tim: "Let's just hope that some poor sucker doesn't get in the way of that little lot."

Zebedee just laughs, evilly.

Scene 3
Interior: The Mary Rose

Felt Monkey is prancing about on a table, obviously drunk. His trousers are ripped at the bottom, and his stained, white buttocks are pocking out like little pudgy globes. Koffdrop's Muse and Koff Drop look on, bewildered. Across from them sits Super Al. There are two empty pint glasses by him, and he's halfway through his third.

Koffdrop's Muse: "He's just... incredible. I've never seen anything like it before."

Koff Drop: "No he's not. And here's why, damnit. A, age has nothing to do with it. Intelligence is not measured by experience. B, for years I've see--"

Koffdrop's Muse: "Oh shut up you old fart."

Felt Monkey is now doing some crazy windmill thing with his hands. While spinning, he bends down and tries to focus on Koffdrop's Muse's face. He staggers, trips and crashes onto the floor, his trousers ripping open even more, exposing the tops of his legs.

Felt Monkey: "Ahhh....ehhhhhhh.... there's... there's two! Yeeeeeaaah lookeee here, I'm the jungle set! Wizards and Warrior set! But the jungle has monkeys!!!! But... but, what about a BLLLAAAACCCCKKKKK felt board? Eh? Eh?"

Koffdrop's Muse turns to Koff Drop.

Koffdrop's Muse: "Dear, shall we leave? I've heard that somebody has been graffiting 'EA IS SHIT' on our wall again."

Koff Drop explodes, shoves the table back, shaking with rage. Spittle beads on his lips and froths into the air as his eyes quiver.

Koff Drop: "Whhhhhhhhaaaaaaatttttt? Honey, WE MOVE!"

The pair of them run out, the sun glinting on Koffdrop's head as he invades the summer air with his boisterous figure.

Felt Monkey looks up and notices another person walking into the room. It's Big Boss accompanied by Ilweran. Felt Monkey looks scared.

Big Boss: "Show, show, show 'em what you got!"

Ilweran pulls out a massive, ridged cucumber. The end of it is bloody and chewed, its surface dimpled with curled metal shavings. She pulls something out of her underwear as she walks, rolls it into a ball and flicks it at the watching Super Al.

Super Al: "Well that's my three pints done. Time to play FOOTBALL!"

He stands up, ripping off his modest shirt to reveal a spandex undergarment. A big 'F' graces his chest, and as his trousers tear apart, we see that he's wearing pants on the outside. He sprints off, pulls a muscle and falls to the floor, clutching his leg.

Lizzy Pop looks on helplessly, camped behind the bar in a state of extreme boredom.

Lizzy Pop: "Will you lot SHUT UP!! I'm trying to listen to some Nina Simone!"

Ilweran looks at her in disgust.

Ilweran: "Quiet, you little trollop."

She farts and shuffles over, pushing her face into Lizzy Pop's.

Ilweran: "Any more of your lip, young girl and you'll be listening to the screaming o--"

Big Boss walks up.

Big Boss: "Steady on old girl, now see here. She's my--"

Ilweran: "Oh shove it up your arse. HA! Talking of that... Felters, let's see what you're made of... literally!"

Lizzy Pop runs out of the room, crying. Big Boss looks at her retreating figure for a moment of two, and then turns back around to look at Felt Monkey, an odd look in his eyes.

Felt Monkey yelps and runs out, crashing into tables on his way. Ilweran shrugs and saunters off to a table, lies on it, looks at the cucumber and closes her eyes. Big Boss advances, grinning. We hear a scream of pleasure, and just a little terror as we pan out onto the street.

Scene 4
Exterior: The Street

There is a strange figure hunched over a bin. She's wearing a stupid hat and for some reason, we can just make out the dark outlines of bruises down her body.

Corinthians: "Bleeeeeuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh."

There is a satisfying splattering noise as we here the contents of Corinthians' stomach empty into the assorted rubbish. The aroma of beer and coffee wafts through the air.

Corinthians: "That's better."

Corinthians pulls a sleeping bag out of an unfathomably large pocket and wrestles it over her body. She looks around, her eyes wide like a child's.

Corinthians: "Whoooooooooooooo!"

Corinthians runs around in circles, cackling. After a painful two minutes of this she trips over a bottle of wine, remarkably not yet finished. She sits down, legs splayed and begins to suck on the bottle.

Apocalypse Dude is walking along, whistling. His taut little ass swings in his leather trousers as he eyes up Corinthians. As he does so, he passes a strange scene. Around a hundred and twenty people are lined up against a wall, and a Tall Man in a grey suit parades up and down, eyeing them up.

Tall Man: "You! You! You! You! You! You! You and You! COME. We must never set foot here again."

One of the selected eight grins and shouts at Apocalypse Dude.

Four M. Three: "HA! Perceive that? Facilitating the need of discussion in an area of non-diminishing returning pleasure can only be achieved through the medium of intelligence-based discussion in a--"

Four M. Three stops, looking confused. He turns his back, and muttering, starts to write a Private Message.

Apocalypse Dude: "Loser!"

Apocalypse Dude looks on triumphantly, amused. But then he turns around quickly, and he flies across the road, smashed apart by hundreds of strange objects. His broken, bleeding body crumples to the floor and his eyes stare upward and the rapidly darkening sky. He tries to speak, but can't. An ambulance wails in the distance. Corinthians looks on, singing in an odd tone.

Corinthians: "To die by your side... well the pleasure and the privilege is mine..."