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Episode #7 - Exits & Entries

With groans the theme music ends, after the programme being away due to timetabling with the Olympics - the now boringly familiar title screen disappears and we see a pavement, some brushing is heard, and then we see a receipt for exactly ?30 of plumbing equipment being swept up by Fighter of Foo, who is wearing his characteristic luminescent jacket. Fighter of Foo walks down the market and stops to talk to Theory Of Games.

Fighter Of Foo: "Hey, how's things going?"

Theory Of Games: "Alright thanks, business is on the up... things are a bit weird with the band though. What about your good self?"

Fighter Of Foo: "Not too bad thanks, still don't like this stinking job, and things have been a bit weird at home with my Dad recently."

Theory Of Games: "What with Zilon? He always seemed alright to me. Been meaning to ask you, you look different; have you switched anything?"

Fighter Of Foo: "Now that you mention it, I have switched my hairstyle, so I may look a little different, but I am the same character and will carry on acting the same, as if I have switched nothing at all."

We zoom out again and look down on the square, we can hear the birds chirping to greet the new day, the streets of Telford are relatively quite, awaiting the normal hustle and bustle. A sudden roaring sound invades the tranquillity. The camera swings quickly to the right to show the source of the disturbance. 

A float comes charging through St James? Square, with a man dressed in robes perched upon it. 

The Inspiration: "Greetings, I am The Inspiration. I see you are all wretched sinners, but fear not; I am not here to pass judgement. Quote The Inspiration; one day the world will catch up."

By now a few people including Felt Monkey, Retro Bob and dr48 had gathered round to see what the stranger was going on about. 

Felt Monkey: "Oooh, a newcomer to the village. Wonder if he?s gay. Take your dress off you saucy minx."  

Retro Bob: "Minx? Minx? Back in my day we wouldn't say vulgar words like that without express writeen consent from Her Royal Highness!" 

Retroid wanders over to see what all the commotion is about.

Retroid: "What?s with all the ruckus?"

The Inspiration: "Today is a marvellous day for you all, I am giving you the chance for redemption. Join me and your sins will be forgiven."

The crowd boo The Inspiration, and proceed to throwing rotten fruit at his float, all but Felt Monkey, who throws The Inspiration his phone number, and makes a phone gesture towards his ear.

The Inspiration: "Vile people, may your actions earn you eternal damnation.

As time passes we see the people going about their business. We zoom down into the market again, back to TOG's stall, where there is a customer walking away with a couple of records in a bag with the look in his face that describes it all. "What have I done?"

Theory Of Games: "Hey Kidderz, could you look after the stall for a bit please?"

Kidderz: "Oh... I was going to buy some more Saga stuff, I just sold my PC to get the money. That Megadrive got me a bit of cash as well - don't know why I ever wanted that! I suppose I could do though."

Theory Of Games: (walking off) "Cheers mate; I owe you one."

We follow Theory Of Games as he walks to the youth centre where we see Third Eye waiting for him, along with Ren Of Heavens, complete with red bandana.

They walk inside and start to practise - things aren't going too well.

Third Eye: "You know what we need."

Ren Of Heavens: "What?"

Third Eye: "Another gimmick."

Third Eye pulls out a guitar shaped like a penis; Theory Of Games is disgusted, but Ren Of Heavens looks slightly interested, glancing across at Theory Of Games and seeing his reaction he quickly changes his expression.

Theory Of Games: "What the hell is that?"

Third Eye: "It's a guitar shaped like a penis; what do you think it is?"

Theory Of Games: "You take things too far, man."

Ren Of Heavens: "Whatever, let's just start from the top."

They start again, and Third Eye goes into some crazy dance and starts rubbing his crotch, then pulls off his clothes revealing himself in all his 'glory' scarily aroused.

Theory Of Games: "Oh God, what the hell are you doing? What in God's name possessed you to show everyone an erection? Your erection? Just get out, and don't ever show you face around here again."

Third Eye mutters as he storms off "I'll be back... Under a new guise, but I'll be back!".

We cross to the Mary Rose, where we cut in to a conversation between Big Boss and Lizzy Pop in the back of the pub.

Big Boss: "What the hell were you thinking?"

Lizzy Pop: "I just want some affection - you don't seem to give me any no more, I saw him and knew I had to have him."

Big Boss: (shouting) "I'm sorry if you feel that you need to have some stupid pooch with golden fur, you know, that looks about as stupid as your hair does, you stupid girl - go on, cry - see if I care."

Lizzy Pop storms out dragging the dog behind her.

Big Boss: "Hey you two, how?s it going?" 

dr48: "Did you guys see that nut job earlier? The nerve of that guy, calling us vile!" 

Big Boss:"Nah, I didn?t see him, heard he was a bit off his rocker." 

Felt Monkey runs into the Rose. 

Felt Monkey: "Guess what, that lovely stranger's float broke down. He's staying here until it's repaired." 

dr48: "Ahh great, that psycho will have the whole of Telford going loopy in no time." 

Big Boss: "Hey, didn?t you lads see the poster outside TOG?s shop? It says that there will be a trip leaving, free of charge to the surrounding villages. It is some sort of day out for the bank holiday. Maybe we could get the stranger to go on the trip, and then just leave him in one of the villages." 

Zander: "That?s a great idea!" 

Felt Monkey: "Hey, I?m the one who is going to be hosting the day out, maybe there will be some gays in the other village, and if not I?ve always got The Inspiration as a back up plan. Looks like a busy day for my hot pants then."

A hush falls over the pub and all attention turn to the door, and we see nothing appear but a pair of legs. We soon realise that it is Android Eighteen A, we can only tell this through the way that anyone with more than half a testicle seems to swarm around her, and the big sign hanging over her head reading "OMG BOOBIES!!!!111" being a big give away.

Fighter Of Foo: "Hhheelloo Android."

Android Eighteen A: "Hello Swi... Foo."

And awkward silence falls across the conversation...

Android Eighteen A: "So how are you?"

Fighter Of Foo: "Errm, yes, what about you? Sorry I've got to go."

Android Eighteen A rolls her eyes and walks up to the bar as Fighter Of Foo runs out of the pub glowing brighter than Ilweran's fake tan.

dr48: "Good holiday?"

Android 18A: "Yeah - Bognor Regis is the best!"

dr48: "I'm sure it's better than Barcelona, went out there when Zander and I were visiting our parents - it's a total shithole, they only have one internet caf?!"

Android Eighteen A: "Yeah - Bognor Regis is the best!"

dr48: "Didn't you already say that?"

Android Eighteen A: "Sorry, you were boring me so I switched off."

dr48: "You want a drink? Catch up on how things are?"

Android Eighteen A: "Would love one. The usual please Big Boss."

Big Boss: "Sure thing darling."

dr48 and Android walk over to the table in the corner that they always use, yet strangely - like the sofa in friends - is never in use. Zander and Theory Of Games join them.

dr48: "Alright bro? How's the job hunting going?"

Zander: "SuperAl's offered me a job."

dr48: "Oh God, you don't want to be mixing with him, he's a nasty piece of work. What's it doing?"

Zander: "Selling home-made lemonade at 10p a cup."

dr48: "Riiight. Well, keep looking, we are going to need the money until my little venture comes off. So, Android, how have things been?"

Android Eighteen A: "Pretty good, I'll tell you what though - I had this really weird dream last night."

dr48: "You better not say that with Kid A or Corinthians around; those two would never shut up about their dreams!"

Zander: "Hehe, I'd be surprised if Corinthians ever gets any sleep, if you get what I mean."

Zander nudges and winks at Theory Of Games who looks on disapprovingly.

dr48: "Theory, don't you have a stall to run?"

Theory Of Games: "Oh shit."

Theory Of Games gets up and runs out the pub, turning heads as he goes.

dr48: "So, what about this dream?"

Android Eighteen A: "Well, you know all those old films, before they had sound?"

dr48: "What, and there was just a piano playing or something?"

Android Eighteen A: "Yeah, that's what I mean, well it was kind of like that."

Zander: "So it was a silent dream?"

Android Eighteen A: "Yeah, but nothing much happened in it. There were all these people there, but nobody was doing anything, or they were hiding, and I guess I must have been in a car or something because I kept crashing."

Over at the caf? we see Zebedee walk in, and start talking to Corinthians.

 Zebedee: "Aawright my darling, I've got just the thing for you, some ginger hair dye."

Corinthians: Shouting "I'M NOT GINGER!"

Zebedee: "Okay okay, need a little ice breaker do we?"

Corinthians: "You might find one in the market."

Zebedee: "Ha ha, I meant a joke. What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?"

Corinthians just stares on, willing herself to be dead, but glances over at Tim looking longengly at him. We see Kid A running away from work - with fridge in tow.

Zebedee: "Well? What do you think?"

Corinthians: "To what?"

Zebedee: "The joke - what did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?"

Corinthians: "God knows."

Zebedee: "Get in the car Robin."

Hours seem to pass as there is a black screen for half a second, and we soon see it's evening. The camera pans over to The Mary Rose, and then we go inside and see dr48 talking to Lizzy Pop at the bar.

Lizzy Pop: "So how is that little charity project of yours going then?"

dr48: "You mean the group that allows elderly woman to get out and about and improve their quality of life by doing things as simple as holding a conversation with someone who is similar to themselves?"

Lizzy Pop: "That's the one."

dr48: "Yeah it's looking to be quite popular, could do with a bit more support at the moment, but looking good."

Lizzy Pop: "What is it you are calling it again?"

dr48: "Gammer-Network."

Corinthians walks in and up to the bar.

Corinthians: (reaching out to stroke Lizzy Pop's arm) "That's a lovely top you've got on there, ooh it feels so soft as well."

Lizzy Pop: "Thanks, it's good to know at least someone likes the way I look."

Corinthians: "Anyone would be stupid to think you don't look a million dollars. Can I have a pint please, and whatever you want - you want something dr48?"

dr48: "Nah, but thanks anyway. I'd better finish this and be off."

dr48 tips the last of his pint down his neck, soaking his shirt in the process before turning around and walking out of the pub. Felt Monkey steps up to where dr48 was standing, and with skin pressing through the gaps in his string vest he orders his drink.

Felt Monkey: "Bacardi and Coke please Lizzy."

Lizzy Pop: "Diet or regular?"

Felt Monkey: "Oh, best make it a diet please, I shouldn't be having any carbs what with my diet, but chuck in a pack of pork scratchings would you, I'm absolutely starvin' - all I've had to eat for lunch was a pizza, some crisps and a couple of portions of chips."

Felt Monkey recieves his Barcardi & Coke but it's gone in a flash as he slugs it down in a matter of seconds, while managing to keep his pinky sticking out from the glass.

"Whoooooooooo!"

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!

Written by dr48
Contribution from The Dark One
Edited by Zander Version One