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Episode #8 - Four Rimjobs and a Reacharound

The scene opens in the pub. I'm sure you're all dying to find out what happens after the cliff-hanger, yes? What do you mean you don't remember? Oh bloody hell, all right...

     Voiceover: "Previously on TGNders..." 

We cut to a shot of Floella Benjamin sitting in a chair, asleep. From off-screen, someone pokes her with a stick. She wakes up.

Floella Benjamin: "What? Oh, they heard someone going, "Whooooooo" outside the pub. Wonder who that could be, eh? What do you need me for? Leave me alone."

Cut back to the pub. Everyone is starring at the door, agog, from which a familiar voice can be heard.

Voice: "Whoooooooooooooo!"

Ladyboy: "It can't be_xx..."

Kidderz: "It might be..."

Liz: "It is!"

Corinthians9:25: "G n' T, please."

Rick Flair (for it is he) busts in through the door. He is riding a child's tricycle and wearing a flashing police light on his head.

Rick: "Whoooooooooooo! I shagged your mums! They're all slags!"

Rick rides around the room, running over feet and spilling pints.

Rick: "Whooooooooooo!"

Ladyboy: "Isn't anyone going to stop him_xx?"

Zander: "Don't look at me. My sports bra's in the wash."

Rick completes his circuit and heads for the door, stopping on the way to tip over a table. The effort of doing so causes him to overbalance and nearly fall off his trike.

Rick: "Whoooo-ooops! Er... Whooo?"

Exeunt Rick. "Exeunt"? Is that right? Anyway, he buggers off from whence he came. From the back of the pub a new character leaps up. He appears to be a child in a suit and tie. His name is Air Raven.

Air Raven: "Ooooh, I HATE that guy! He's so rude and insulting! No manners! Poor spelling! He keeps making remarks about my Mum, too."

Everyone is now looking at Air Raven as he rants. A fleck of foam appears at the corner of his mouth.

Air Raven: "You! Do you hate him as much as I do?"

Kidderz: "Erm... well, I'm not that bothere-"

Air Raven: "If Koff Drop was here he'd tell you! He hates him just as much as me! Ooooh, Rick's such a ruffian! He just comes in here, riding his trike, going Whooooo and I'd like to kill him and hurt him and set him on fire. I'd burn him with my flames and wkkezzt rquueet tzzzzzstfd..."

Air Raven is now jumping up and down making random noises as everyone watches in bemusement. This spectacle is actually far more irritating than Flair's appearance. From the bar, Liz looks over at Raven's table full of empty glasses.

Liz: "I think he's had a few to many."

Big Boss: "But he's been drinking Pepsi's all night..."

Air Raven runs off into the night. Corinthians finishes a huge G & T and turns to Felt Monkey.

Corinthians: "Well, another new charac... erm, resident of Telford, eh?"

Felt Monkey: "mmm"

Corinthians coughs and nudges Felt.

Felt Monkey: "What? Oh right. Oooooh, do you think he's gay?"

Corinthains: "Dunno, but you can get me another Gin, easy on the tonic. And make it a large one, you big puff."

Fade to black. Fade up on Ren Of Heavens and Theory Of Games mooching by TOG's record stall. Tim is looking through some records in the background. He picks up the Wild At Heart soundtrack, then Heart's Greatest Hits.

Tim: "No, these just aren't right."

Ren Of Heavens: "Er, Theory?"

Theory Of Games: "Yeah?"

Ren Of Heavens: "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

Theory Of Games: "Oh yeah?"

Ren Of Heavens: "It's not an easy thing for me to say..."

Theory Of Games: "Hey, it's okay, man. We're bandmates, you can talk to me about anything. I won't judge you or see you any differently."

Ren Of Heavens: "Okay. It's the band's name, Audiology. I don't like it."

Theory Of Games: "Oh."

Ren Of Heavens: "But don't worry! I've got some suggestions for an alternative name. How does "Hokey and the Coconuts" grab you?"

Theory Of Games: "Hokey and the Coconuts?"

Ren Of Heavens: "No? Well I've got more..."

Ren pulls out a list. As he's doing this, a mysterious stranger sidles up to the stall. It's clearly Third Eye in a fake beard. He's wearing a t-shirt with "FF" on it.

Ren Of Heavens: "What about Christ's Cock and Balls? The Wanks? Midget Spongebath? Ren and Some Other Idiots?"

Theory looks incredulous.

Ren Of Heavens: "Here's one you'll like - Music A-Level? Vaginal Backwash? Flange?"

Mysterious Stranger: "Oooh!"

Theory and Ren notice the stranger for the first time.

Theory Of Games: "Can I help you?"

Mysterious Stranger: "Sorry, Gents. I couldn't help overhearing. You're in a band, yes? Do you  perchance need a new member? Someone to replace anyone who may have been recently kicked out for obscenity, perhaps?"

Theory Of Games squints at the stranger.

Theory Of Games: "Third Eye?"

Mysterious Stranger: "No! I mean... Who is this "Third Eye?" I'm not him, I am the Flying Feotus!"

Ren and Theory exchange glances. At this point Koffdrop's Muse walks past, practically dragging Koff Drop behind her. Koff glances at the Flying feotus.

Koff: "Hi, Nuttey."

Flying Feotus: (genuinely confused) "What?"

Seizing the opportunity whilst Feotus is distracted, Ren leaps forward and snatches his beard off. Beneath it is indeed Third Eye.

All: "Third Eye!"

Third Eye: "And I'd have got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"

Tim: "Rood Rork, Rhaggy."

Ren : (to Koff Drop) "You didn't recognise your own son in a false beard?"

Koff Drop: "Of course I did! I Know All And See All! Must redeem myself... I know something about him that no-one knows!"

Koff Drop points at Tim.

Tim: "Eh?"

Koff Drop: "He's Irish!"

Everyone: "Gasp!"

Tim looks ashamed.

Tim: "Ay, begorrah, it's true, to be sure"

Koffdrop's muse drags Koff Drop away.

Third Eye: "So, can I be in the band again?"

Ren Of Heavens & Theory Of Games: (Together) "No!"

Scene change. Interior of Dr Drake Ramoray's surgery. Dr Drake has his feet up on the desk, and is reading a magazine. The magazine is "Hot Chicks". Dr Drake looks at his watch, then presses the intercom.

Dr Drake: "Kylix, send the next one in."

Koff Drop enters, being pushed by Koffdrop's muse.

Dr Drake: "Ah, come in! Have a seat! Now, what seems to be the problem, baldy?"

Koff Drop: "There's no problem. I don't know why I'm here. I Know All And See All and I'm fine."

Koffdrop's Muse: "Koff dear, just tell the man."

Koff sighs. He pulls out a piece of paper.

Koff Drop: "Okay, it's like this. A week ago, I got this insulting note, and I just haven't been able to get on with my life ever since."

Dr Drake: "May I see it?"

Koff hands it over. Drake peruses it for a moment, before raising an eyebrow and stifling a giggle.

Dr Drake: "Ah, I see. I'm afraid you've contracted Ultimate Cuss Syndrome. Don't be alarmed - it's treatable. I'll write you a prescription."

Dr Drake scribbles on a prescription sheet, before handing it over.

Koffdrop's Muse: "Thanks you, Doctor."

Dr Drake: "He should be fine in a day or two."

Koffdrop's Muse: "What do you say, Dear?"

Koff Drop: "Thanks."

They get up and leave. In the reception area, Koff Drop stops and reads the prescription note. It says, "I boned your Mum last night. She told me to say hi." Koff turns purple before being dragged out by his Muse.

Back in the surgery, Dr Drake puts his feet back up on the desk and picks up Hot Chicks again.

Dr Drake: "1-0 to me, I think."

Another scene change. We're back in the Mary Rose again. Ren Of Heavens is at the bar with a piece of paper and a thoughtful look on his face as he tries to come up with some better names for the band. Alastor, is sitting on his own in the corner staring at his empty can of coke. Corinthians is there, of course, wearing the same clothes from the night before, as if she hasn't even been home. She is sitting at the bar with Tim, who is wearing a green bowler hat, drinking Guinness, and holding a lump of rock.

Corinthians: "What's that you've got there?"

Tim: "T'is me blarney stone, to be sure. Bejaysus."

Tim kisses the stone.

The doors swing open, and Felt Monkey minces in, grinning widely. He is wearing leather trousers, a leather waistcoat with nothing underneath, and a pink feather boa. He sashays up to the bar.

Felt Monkey: "Give me a bottle of one of those nice pink alcopops please, Liz. You know - something gay."

Lizzy Pop: "Here you go. You're looking chipper. You didn't seem your usual self last night."

Felt Monkey: "Oooh no, I wasn't feeling myself at all! I hadn't felt myself for a couple of days, but  last night I started feeling myself again."

Lizzy Pop: "Err..."

Felt Monkey: "You see, I've been having these strange dreams recently. I'm talking about the kind of dreams you have to change your pink pyjamas after, if you catch my meaning."

Felt Monkey leers at Lizzy Pop and waggles his eyebrows. Liz is looking for a way out of this conversation, but finds none.

Lizzy Pop: "Um..."

Felt Monkey: "But then it hit me! Erotic fiction! I'll put it down on paper, sell a million, and buy myself a rent-boy! I've got some here, if you want a look."

Felt whips out a few sheets of paper (there seems to be an epidemic of paper whipping in Telford today) and hands it to Liz, who looks reluctant. Liz starts to read.

Lizzy Pop : (reading) "One fine day, Papa Smurf was walking through the forest..."

Liz looks up.

Lizzy Pop: "What is this?"

Felt Monkey: "Keep reading. It gets good in a minute."

Liz continues reading, silently this time, before suddenly recoiling away from the page in shock.

Lizzy Pop: "Oh good God!"

Felt Monkey: "I told you it got good."

The others are now crowding round to get a look.

Corinthians9:25: "What is it?"

Lizzy Pop: "Here, you can read it. I can't read any more."

Tim Corinthians and Ren crowd round to read. They all stare at the page before simultaneously recoiling in horror.

Tim: "Oh Jaysus, Mary and Joseph save us!"

Corinthians: "Papa Smurf wouldn't do that."

Only Ren is still reading.

Ren Of Heavens: "There's four rimjobs and a reacharound in the first paragraph!"

Felt Monkey: "What do you think? Do you want me to write some more?"

Tim: "Feck, no!"

Corinthians9:25: "I need a drink."

Ren Of Heavens finishes reading and hands the sheets back to Felt. He sits down, being careful to put his coat on his lap.

Ren Of Heavens: "Well, I quite liked it, actually."

Felt Monkey: "See you later, loves! I'm off to find a publisher!"

Felt minces out. He is replaced at the door by Kid A, who is wheeling a fridge.

Kid A: "Hello, loves! Anyone want to buy a fridge? Very cheap! Nothing wrong with it, or strange about it, honest! Don't look in it, just make me an offer!"

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!

Written by feltmonkey
Edited by dr48