Voiceover: "Previously on TGNders..."

Fade up to Floella Benjamin behind her desk. She is talking on her mobile.

Floella: "I don't care, I'm not doing it anymore. No, it's stupid. Tell them they can get Andy Peters and that stupid gerbil for all I care."

There is coughing from off-camera.

Floella: "What? Oh for goodness sake. Kid A wheeled in a fridge. What sort of cliff-hanger is that?"

She goes back to talking on her mobile phone.

Floella: "Look, can't you just get me on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or something?"

Cut to the Mary Rose. The pub, not the ship.

Kid A: "You heard me luvs, take my fridge. Any offers considered. No questions asked."

Lizzy Pop: "Are you okay, Kid A? You look a little flushed."

Rhin Ox pokes his head around the door.

Rhin Ox: "Did someone say flushed? I?ll go got my plumbing equipment. Do think ?30 be enough or should I got more?"

Rhin Ox disappears.

Corinthians: "Why are you selling your fridge, Kid A? I thought you were really attached to it."

Kid A breaks down in tears.

Kid A: "I was! I was! But I think there's something living in it!"

All: "Gasp!"

Big Boss: "Open it up. Let?s have a look."

Kid A: "No! Don't open it! Listen - you can hear it."

They all lean closer to the fridge. From within, the distinct sound of heavy metal riffs can be heard.

Ren Of Heavens: "Is that Slayer?"

Corinthians: "I'm going to get to the bottom of this!"

She pushes Kid A out of the way and flings open the door.

Tim: "Begorrah!"

Lizzy Pop: "It's horrible! What is it?"

Within the fridge is a strange looking ball of hair, about the size of a man.

Corinthians: "It's a rat! Or possibly a bear!"

The hairy creature pops it's head up. It's Apocalypse Dude.

Apocalypse Dude: "Hello, all."

All: "Apocalypse Dude!"

Ren Of Heavens: "I thought you were killed off - I mean, I thought you were dead!"

Kid A: "Yeah..."

Apocalypse Dude: "Well, there's a funny story about that. I was out for a midnight stroll one night, when I was suddenly hit by a landslide of fridges. Miraculously, rather than being horribly crushed, I was scooped up inside this one, and I've been here ever since."

Lizzy Pop: "Oh you poor man! Isn't it cold?"

Apocalypse Dude: "No, I quite like it, actually. As you can see, I've made a nest out of my hair and beard, and I've been eating some butter I found. To be honest, it's the first time I've really felt like I belong."

Ren Of Heavens: "There's one thing I still don't understand. How did Kid A end up with the fridge?"

Kid A: "Err... finders keepers?"

The scene is interrupted by a quick cahnge of location to the street outside where we see a new character skipping along the street. The character is wearing a military uniform, complete with tin-pot hat. He is also wearing a Groucho Marx- style false nose and glasses. It is clearly Third Eye again.

General Haberdashery: "Atttteeeeeennn-shun! I am General Habidashery, and I have come to town in order to find new recruits for the number one band in Telford - Throbbing Deathbucket. Audiology are hereby relegated to number two, and also-ran status."

Rhin Ox pushes past him.

General Haberdashery: "You, sir! Is that a musical instrument you're clutching?"

Rhin Ox: "No it?s exactly ?30 worth of plumbing equipment. Someone block the toilet, and -"

General Haberdashery: "Never mind! What about you?"

He points at Ren. Rhin Ox heads into the Mary Rose, and across for the toilet.

General Haberdashery: "Have you got what it takes to rock with the Bucket?"

Ren Of Heavens: "Erm... I'm already in a band..."

General Haberdashery: "A rubbish band! A band that is afraid to rock! A band that even frowns on full-frontal nudity!"

Realisation dawns on Ren Of Heavens.

Ren Of Heavens: "Aaah, I see. Third Eye, this is just silly. Let it go."

General Haberdashery: "Third Eye? Who is this Third Eye you speak of?"

Koff Drop walks past with his Muse, wheeling a trolley of medicine?s he was trying to flog from his chemists.

Koff Drop: (To General Haberdashery) ?Hi Nuttey.?

General Haberdashery: ?Third Eye, I mean Nuttey? Who is this Nuttey you speak of?"

The camera pans. On the other side of the street we see Alastor and The Dark One playing football with an old coke can, The Sith Lord is standing on the sidelines looking a little despondent. He begins to sob.

The Sith Lord: ?But? but? but??

The Dark One: (To Alastor) ?Poor kid?s got a terrible stutter.?

Alastor opens his mouth, as if on the verge of making some kind of sound by manipulating his vocal chords? the screen goes black. A second or two later we see the now over familiar clock, reading the incorrect time ? but it?s the clock inside the Mary Rose none the less.

Big Boss: ?So, you say you were in the army??

General Haberdashery: ?Indeed I was good sir. Best dressed damn recruit they ever had. I bet you?ve never seen a camouflage suit have you??

Big Boss: ?Yeah actually, that?s what all the people in the army wear.?

General Haberdashery: ?No no good sir, a true camouflage suit. Double breasted, matching waistcoat, flattering fitted waist and tiny Panzer tank cufflinks. It was this very suit that inspired me to go into business.?

Corinthians: ?A business? So you?re loaded??

General Haberdashery: ?No not really. No one seems to want to wear them. Maybe it?s the lack of matching trousers. But I manage without just fine. More air circulation that way.?

Corinthians: ?But loaded enough to buy a lady a drink??

Runover Hedgehog walks in and spots Corinthians.

Runover Hedgehog: ?Hello dear, what do you want to drink??

Corinthians: ?Ooh, anything with alcohol in it ? and don?t try skimping on me, the fur on my tongue can measure alcohol content you know.?

Everyone looks a little uneasy.

dr48: ?So how did you end up in Telford then??

General Haberdashery: ?Telford is the perfect place for my business! If anywhere needs more style, this hole does. Retailer of materials, buttons, needles, sewing machines and supplies to the suit trade.?

Zander Version One: ?So, what did you name this groundbreaking shop??

General Haberdashery: ?A, wait for this? Haberdashery.?

Retroid: ?That?s a stupid name, when I was you we wouldn?t have any problems coming up with clever names, nothing stupid like that name, what were we talking about again? Ah yes, the army ? I remember when they tried drafting me into the Jamaican reserves, an ya know what ha sed to d?hem? Ah s?hed that my accent wasn?t all Jamaican, and that it kept switching in between being Jamaican han not been Jamhaycan ? s?oh I got out of it because I was listed under the people that had disabilities. And you know what that means, that means that this government here gives me more money, yet my pension is still pathetically small.?

Air Raven: ?Will somebody please tell him to shut the fuck up.?

dr48: ?Haven?t you forgotten something, Air Raven??

Air Raven: Ye gods! Yes! ?Gram ? grammar ? I ? the, the the poor poor poor comma.?

dr48: ?I think you?ve had enough, please ? for god?s sake promise to leave the Pepsi alone from now on, that?s it ? I?m taking you home.?

dr48 walks out the pub pushing Air Raven. Leaving Air Raven to vomit on the pavement, he walks off to speak to Theory Of Games, who is tidying up the CD?s on his stall as the sun starts to set.

Theory Of Games: ?You seen that new shop??

dr48: ?Which one??

Theory Of Games: ?Err, there is only one new shop you idiot. It?s the one that according to the script, you were just talking to the bumbling old man about in the pub before ?. um ? (Theory of Games consults a script) ? pushing Air Raven out and leaving him vomiting on the pavement.?

The sound of vomiting is renewed on cue in the background.

Theory Of Games: ?And there we go, right on cue. So you must know the shop that I am talking about.?

dr48: ?Oh, a Haberdashery! And just when I needed a new button for this skirt! My that hasn?t been there very long.?

Theory Of Games: ?It?s been there for 204 lines, or rather 206 lines now!?

The screens goes black again, just about saving dr48 making even more of a prat of himself.

Fade up on the pub. It?s half eight in the morning, and for some reason the pub is open, and Corinthians is enjoying a liquid breakfast.

Corinthians: "We all know it's you, Thirdy."

Third Eye sadly removes his false nose.

Third Eye: "Ah well, you can't blame a guy for trying, can you? Please Ren, just let me back in the band. I promise I won't whip it out again."

Ren Of Heavens: "I'd let you back in, but it's Theory's call. It's his band, and he seems to have been freaked out by your purple-topped love column. Between you and me, I think he might be a bit confused about his sexuality. I'll have a word with him, if you like."

Third Eye: "Thanks."

Dr Drake Ramoray walks down the street from his surgery., By the magic of internet TV (and lazy writers) the camera moves to the floor, then back up and about 4 hours pass. Dr Drake Ramoray walks into the pub. He winks at Lizzy Pop. There is a loud splash from the toilet.

Rhin Ox: (from the toilet) "Aha! Shite!"

Dr Drake: "My usual liquid lunch please, Lizzy."

Dr Drake looks around the room. He winks at Corinthians, then goes over to Tim.

Dr Drake: "Hey, I was going through your medical records earlier, man."

Tim: "Bejaysus! To be sure. Ay yer Ma."

Dr Drake: "Yeah, I reckon it's really cool that you're from Mexico. Do you know Johnny Depp?"

Tim: "Errr... Arse! Feck!"

Corinthians: "You're Mexican? I thought you were Irish."

Tim: "Um... Er... Eeeeey, is true, Gringo."

Dr Drake: "Word."

Rhin Ox emerges from the Loo, carrying a pint glass full of brown water and poo.

Rhin Ox: "I found shite! It won't burn."

Rhin Ox wanders off to a table.

The door opens, and in walks Felt Monkey and The Inspiration. Inspiration is wearing his robes. Felt is wearing a dress and a straw hat.

The Inspiration: "Look, I'm really not that way inclined..."

Felt Monkey: "Shame."

Inspiration: "Not that there's anything wrong with it. I believe the act of physical love between two men can be a beautiful thing."

Felt Monkey: "Oooh, me too. I like your dress, by the way."

Inspiration: "It's vestments, actually."

Felt Monkey: "Really? I got mine from Laura Ashley."

Inspiration: "No, look... Listen, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I'm not prejudiced, oh no. In fact, I love gays."

Felt Monkey: "Really? Me too."

Felt Monkey moves closer and puts his hand on The Inspiration's knee. The Inspiration looks up to the heavens.

Inspiration: "Forgive me, father, but I really need a drink."

Felt Monkey: "I'll go!"

Felt minces over to the bar.

Felt Monkey: "Oooh, a man in a fridge! Is he gay? Oh, it's only Mr Dude."

Felt gives Dr Drake a long, lingering look.

Felt Monkey: "Hello, Doctor."

Dr Drake Ramorary sinks into his chair and pretends not to notice.

Tim is at the bar, wearing a poncho and sombrero. He has also sprouted a huge bandido-style moustache.

Tim: "Tequilla, por favor."

Lizzy Pop: "Here you go, you big gringo. Hi Felt, did you find a publisher?"

Felt Monkey: "Nope."

Liz breathes a sigh of relief.

Felt Monkey: "Better than that, though - I found that new resident outside trying to convert Theory. So I told him about the time I tried to do that. Remember that?"

Lizzy Pop: "How could I forget? You got him drunk and danced on the table in front of him, wearing just a thong."

Felt Monkey: "Yes, I'm still not sure where I went wrong there. Anyway, The Inspiration - that's his name, see - and I bonded over that, so I invited him for a drink, and now..."

Felt leans closer and whispers

Felt Monkey: "I think he's coming on to me!"

Liz looks dubious.

Felt Monkey: "I know! Great, isn't it? Anyway, give me a couple of really strong gay drinks so I can finish off my seduction."

Liz hands Felt a couple of gay-looking drinks with umbrellas in. He minces off.

The door slams open again, and in comes local policeman Runover Hedgehog. He looks out of breath and red in the face. (Yes, he's already entered the pub once in the script. So what! Is the plot so thin you pay attention to these things!? Pedants. Ed.)

Runover Hedgehog: "Pant...Pant... Bugger me, I'm knackered."

Felt Monkey looks up, thinking about his chances of taking up the offer.

Ren Of Heaves: "What happened?"

Runover Hedgehog: "I was chasing this shoplifter. I ran all the way down main street."

Ren Of Heaves: "Did you catch him?"

Runover Hedgehog: "No, he got on a downhill stretch and his wheelchair took him away from me."

Ren Of Heaves: "Oh, hard luck."

Runover Hedgehog: "I'm parched! Give me a drink. No, never mind."

He grabs Rhin Ox's pint of toilet water.

Runover Hedgehog: "I'm commandeering this in the name of the law."

Rhin Ox: "But..."

Runover takes a big swig before spitting it out and hopping about screwing up his face.

Runover Hedgehog: "Aaargh! Urgh! Gak! What the... What the hell was that?"

Rhin Ox: "Wet Shite."

Runover Hedgehog: "What? Good grief!"

He staggers over to a table and slumps down next to Corinthians.

Runover Hedgehog: "Oh, hello dear. I didn't expect to see you in here at this time."

Corinthians: "You drank Rhin Ox's shite water?"

Runover Hedgehog: "Yeah."

Corinthians: "How did it taste?"

Runover: "A bit Nuttey."

Suddenly, Kidderz bursts in through the door. That door'll be off it's hinges soon, at this rate.

Kidderz: "Someone help! It's a chavalanche!"

Ren: "What?"

Kidderz: "An army of chavs are attacking Theory's stall! There's Burberry everywhere! It's horrible!"

Lizzy Pop: "Oh no! Somebody do something!"

Everyone turns to look at Runover Hedgehog, who hides under the table.

Kid A: "What's the problem? You lot are so prejudiced."

Kidderz: "But it's chavs! Kevs! Scallys! Bus-stop moochers! The Burberry mafia! Townies!"

Rhin Ox slowly gets to his feet.

Rhin Ox: "Townies? This a job for Rhin Ox."

Rhin Ox strides out the pub, followed at a safe distance by Corinthians, Tim, Ren, and Kidderz. Outside at Theory's stall, Theory is surrounded by chavs.

Chav 1: "Got any Sean Paul, init?"

Theory: "No! We only sell indie!"

Chav 2: "Got any So soild, bra?"

Theory: "Aaargh!"

Chav 9: "Init!"

Chav 12: "Bustin!"

Chav 6: "Init!"

Rhin Ox strides up, stopping a short distance from the stall.

Rhin Ox: (calls) "Townies!"

The chavs stop to look at Rhinox.

Chav 12: "Bustin!"

Chav 1, the leader, steps forward.

Chav 1: "Rhin Ox, so we meet again. We have unfinished business, you and I, init bra?"

Rhin Ox: "If you got a problem come seem to me. Leave him along."

Rhin Ox and the chavs advance on each other. Ren Of Heavens, Corinthians, Tim, and Kidderz back away like the cowards they are.

Kidderz: "Save me, Saga!"

The chavs charge at Rhin Ox. Slam! Slam! Rhin Ox kicks one in the balls and slams another into a wall. He leaps into the air, pausing in mid-air as the camera pans around him, before aiming a kick at a chav. The chav ducks, but Rhin Ox's shoe flies off and lodges itself in another chav's mouth. Rhin Ox fights bravely - he pulls one of their hats over their eyes, treads on their Nike trainers, and pokes another one in the eye, but he's being overwhelmed.

Rhin Ox: "Must fight harder... Dirtier... More street..."

Chav 7: "Wicked init!"

Chav 12: "Bustin!"

The chavs encircle Rhin Ox and advance on him.

Chavs: (chanting) "Init! Init! Init!"

Chav 12: "Bustin!"

Rhin Ox reaches into his cardigan and pulls out his secret weapon.

Rhin Ox: "Aha! Exactly ?30 worth of plumbing equipment!"

Rhin Ox swings the plumbing equipment around in a breathtaking display of skill and dexterity. The chavs take a step back.

Chav 1: "You don't scare us, init, bra?"

Chav 12: "Bustin?"

Rhin Ox flies into action, dispatching chavs left and right. He somersaults over their heads, spins round behind them, blocks and dodges their blows, spins the plumbing equipment from hand to hand, and soon only he and the leader of the chavs are left standing.

Rhin Ox: "This ends hear."

Chav 1: "Init."

Chav 12: (groaning, from the floor) "Bustin..."

As Rhin Ox advances, the chav leader pulls out his fake platinum chain and dazzles Rhin Ox

Rhin Ox: "Aaarge!"

Rhin Ox charges, wielding his plumbing equipment, u-bend in left hand, sink plunger in right. The chav leader blocks with his mobile phone and lands a blow with his soverign-encrusted fist. Rhin Ox staggers back. The chav removes his cap and presses a secret button on it. Razer blades pop out from the rim! The chav throws the hat at Rhin Ox, who ducks. the hat spins off and hits Tim in the chest. Tim keels over backwards.

Rhin Ox: "Cant fight him using confectional methods. Must use secend secret wepon..."

Rhin Ox reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a slightly singed, along the top and bottom edges - but remarkedly unburnt in the middle, wet, shit-covered tampon, which he hurls at the chav. Splut! It hits him in the eye and sticks, blinding him.

Chav 1: "Aaaaaaaaaaaarrgh! init!"

Rhin Ox leaps forward and lifts the chav high in the air, before depositing him in a nearby bin.

Rhin Ox: "Theirs where rubbish belongs!"

Ren Of Heavens, Corinthians, Theory, and Kidderz: "Yay!"

Corinthians turns round to the stricken Tim.

Corinthians: "Oh no! Tim!"

Corinthians pulls aside his poncho, where the cap is still lodged. As she pulls it aside, she sees wires and circuits.

Corinthians: "Wait a minute! He's a robot!"

Tim: "Bzzzzzt! Does not compute!"

Ren Of Heavens: "Oh, that's ok then."

Kidderz: "Rhin Ox! You did it!"

Rhin Ox: "Off course I did. And you fcukers thought I was all talk."

A group of small children run up and crowd around Rhin Ox.

The Dark one: "You're our hero, Rhin Ox!"

Lightwind: "Can I have your autograph?"

Rhin Ox: "Its pronounced arthurgraph, son."

Fade to black. Fade back in on the pub, later in the evening. Everyone is having a good time. Tim is robot-dancing in the centre of the room, Third Eye is talking with Ren Of Heavens and Theory Of Games again, Apocalypse Dude is in his fridge, and Runover Hedgehog has arrested Koffdrop's Muse.

However, in one corner of the pub things are not so jolly. At a table away from the frivolities sit Super Al, Raine, Numpty, and Ilweran. It is obviously a high-powered meeting of crime bosses.

Numpty: "I'm saying, you can have the park and Koffs Drops, but the marketplace and Kid A's flower shop are mine"

Super Al: "Never! Telford is my manor, and I'm not giving up one inch of it."

Numpty: "Listen, junior, I was running protection rackets when you were still in nappies. Don't give me any back-talk."

Super Al stands up.

Super Al: "That's just it - you're too old. You're past it, Grandad!"

Ilweran stands up and smiles sweetly at Super Al.

Ilweran: "Al?"

Super Al: "Yes, my darlin?"

Ilweran: "Stitch this, you slag!"

She nuts him right in the nose. Super Al goes down like a sack of spuds. Raine leaps to help his boss.

Numpty: "There's so much violence in society today. Heh heh."

He grins evilly.

DUM DUM DUM DUM~!

Written by feltmonkey, with interruptions by dr48
Edited by dr48 and Corinthians9:25